wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
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When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Blew my mind.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.