wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

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[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits


What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.


Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.


[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!


Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake




Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about


Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.


My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.