@LilNasX

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

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@awkwardenabled

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

@TheWeirdWorld

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

@Aikiwomannc

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

@Browtweaten

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

@

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@Parker_Simpson

Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about

@POTerritory

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

@LeftOf_Normal

My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.