@LilNasX

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

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@Cheeseboy22

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

@ojedge

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

@SteveSuckington

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

@moxieblogger

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

@illTortuga

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

@matt___nelson

ME: time for sleep
BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk
ME: ugh
BRAIN: and make friends with one another
ME: please stop
BRAIN: best spuds

@ValeeGrrl

My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he’s in all black & I’m telling her we worship the dark lord.

@ddsmidt

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

@__iCE_CREAM__

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

@Cryptoterra

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard