Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best