Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*
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Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
All the people that tried partying ’til the cows come home, are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from alcoholism.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]