@robfee

Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*

You Might Also Like

@Tmoney68

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

@EndhooS

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

@SkippyMcGizzard

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

@thedad

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

@pleatedjeans

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

@moneebthinks

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

@myles_morrison

All the people that tried partying ’til the cows come home, are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from alcoholism.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.