Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
You Might Also Like
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Worlds greatest photobomb
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
PARKOUR
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go