“Wow there are a lot of non-brown people in Gaza.” – anyone tuning into Ferguson coverage late

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me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don’t fit the same

customer: can you break this dollar or not man

me: i just want her back

customer: and i just want change

me: u sound just like her


If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.


Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are


This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.


Star Wars has given me unrealistic expectations of who my father is.


It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.


HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”


[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit


If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”


I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”