Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
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Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I only treason on days ending in y
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
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If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss