“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.