@SortaBad

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@markydoodoo

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

@ariscott

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

@Darlainky

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

@seagullski

I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–

I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though

@spcycucumber

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

@LindaInDisguise

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

@markydoodoo

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

@SuperRandomish

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.