Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
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If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you