“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael