Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
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I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.