Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
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Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Covid like
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida