@tvandjam

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

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@michaelianblack

Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: I said no cookies!
4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia!
Me: How’d you get amnesia?
4yo:..
Me:..
4yo: I don’t remember.
Me: Well played..

@ComedicBust

Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.

Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.

@CauseWereDads

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

@KeetPotato

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

@xxsomebunnyxx

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

@aotakeo

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

@david8hughes

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

@FilthyRichmond

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.