Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
You Might Also Like
Me: I said no cookies!
4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia!
Me: How’d you get amnesia?
4yo: I don’t remember.
Me: Well played..
Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.
Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Not now, kids.
Mommy’s boiling the Easter bunny.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.