Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
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Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.