wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
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Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.