I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
man: wait
time: no