@LeBearGirdle
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
@loribuckmajor
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
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@LeBearGirdle
@LuvPug
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
@NurseSeymour
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It’s called Facebook.
@sploosk
Sharon I have some bad news
@mydanimarie
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
@smells_fine
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
@MartaEffing
I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.
@PyrBliss
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
@theSolemnBard
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
@RandomRamblr
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.