Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
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My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.
Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.
-submissive’s answering machine.
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?