@lilgapeach30
Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.
@loribuckmajor
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
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@lilgapeach30
@Midlifecrisis18
My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.
@JoshontheGo
Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.
-submissive’s answering machine.
@realfunghi
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
@TheOnion
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
@ronnui_
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
@JimmerThatisAll
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
@Parkerlawyer
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
@blaudiablogan
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
@ChrisScarlette
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?