Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
You Might Also Like
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Just a reminder, folks:
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*