Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
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They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*