@LuvPug

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

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@joshualandy

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

@AimeeHelene1

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

@UncleDuke1969

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

@JeffSarcastic

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

@Jarhead44

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

@PoliticallyILL1

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

@TheJamieLee

Whenever someone says they hate cats and they’re all shitty and snobby about it, I’m like, “Weird cuz you behave JUST like one.”

@kelkulus

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

@TheRolo

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

@sarahdelri0

What I say to my son: “Get dressed.”
His interpretation: “Stand around naked watching television with one sock on.”