*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us


Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.


Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus


Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”


don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather


Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.


“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog


Knuckle tats:

(B) (O) (R) (N)
(W) (I) (T) (H)
(T) (O) (O) (O)
(M) (A) (N) (Y)
(H) (A) (N) (D)


Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity


God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL