*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up