@junejuly12

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

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@daemonic3

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

@Shade510

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

@nealbrennan

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

@egg_dog

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

@MrPeeker

Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.

@platinum2000

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

@animadvertguy

Knuckle tats:

(B) (O) (R) (N)
(W) (I) (T) (H)
(T) (O) (O) (O)
(M) (A) (N) (Y)
(H) (A) (N) (D)

@JoeRegular4

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

@noog

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL