@junejuly12

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

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@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

@Staggfilms

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

@RadOrDie

I wouldn’t mind getting arrested today because I’m having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous.

@robdelaney

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

@karanbirtinna

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

@ProudFFAalumni

Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover pie, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, quitter

*said thru a mouthful of pie*

@effinghandbook

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.