*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

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“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue


Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.


I wouldn’t mind getting arrested today because I’m having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous.


Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.


Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.


Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.


Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover pie, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, quitter

*said thru a mouthful of pie*


Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.