[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
You Might Also Like
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
This pepper has seen some shit
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.