My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
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Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]