Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
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[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.