Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.