kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Today I sat next to a girl on a bus and I watched her swipe left on me on tinder
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”