wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
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baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
How did we not see this back then?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.