“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
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Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Here, hold my drink. Ruining this is going to take both hands.
I suddenly realized that I’ve never had an epiphany.
According to really smart people I should have started saving 20 years ago.
This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.
we all know who started this Dominos & Papa Johns beef
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.