“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car


My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.


5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*


Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.


After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!


I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze


me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl


*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*

*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*


Me: I don’t know how to dance to this kind of music

Beer: yes you do


Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three