“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
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Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Oh hi lol
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Two types of dogs.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.