“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.