The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
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Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
#Caturday
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?