@English_Channel

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

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@Kryzazy

Dear Human,
I don’t want to eat right this second, however there seems to be one kibble of my food missing and I can almost see the bottom of my bowl. I’m going to sing the song of my people until you fix this cruel mess.
-Cats

@MomofTeen

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

@mack44_d

*40’s after sex*

Her: ‘That was amazing. Let’s do it again.’

Me: ‘Like…today?’

@BlindChow

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

@thefishpants

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

@jdforshort

A random guy held the door & paid for my Cinnabon roll at the truck stop today

He doesn’t know it, but this is the best date in a long time

@BberrySurprise

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

@QwertyJones3

What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!

WIFE: See what I mean?

JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce

@internetluke

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?