writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
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Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.