writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

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Dear Human,
I don’t want to eat right this second, however there seems to be one kibble of my food missing and I can almost see the bottom of my bowl. I’m going to sing the song of my people until you fix this cruel mess.


Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.


*40’s after sex*

Her: ‘That was amazing. Let’s do it again.’

Me: ‘Like…today?’


[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go



Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss


A random guy held the door & paid for my Cinnabon roll at the truck stop today

He doesn’t know it, but this is the best date in a long time


“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.


What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!

WIFE: See what I mean?

JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce


[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?