writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
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Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
January has been Januweary
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?