Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

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wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”


Today in my Teams staff meeting I’m going to end every statement with, “as the prophecy foretold.”


It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.



1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.


“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.


Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did


All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.


Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.


How to scare burglars off….

First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger.
Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.


If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.