wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
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Today in my Teams staff meeting I’m going to end every statement with, “as the prophecy foretold.”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
How to scare burglars off….
First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger.
Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.