Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
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My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
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It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
me hooking up with my ex
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?