Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
She: Don’t talk like that.
Me: With my thumbs?
If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
D: *places giant needle on tray*
D: *places handgun on tray*