@OhNoSheTwitnt

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

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@Beerhaze

My oldest is 14 today. Daddy’s baby is growing up. Soon she’ll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.

@JimmerThatisAll

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

@causticbob

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

@rodeoman

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

@blaha_Who

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

@RuinMyWeek

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

@BillFienberg

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

@baeblacksheep

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.