writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
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For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog