*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.