*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

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At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.


Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD


“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS


Interviewer: Which academic course did you find most difficult?

Me: spinach

Interviewer: you mean Spanish?

Me: exactly


“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”


Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.


poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit


Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)


I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.