*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH