Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
You Might Also Like
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I can also cook 😂
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.