@Cpin42

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

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@gogocosmonaut

Jesus said that he’d get rid of evil people, whereas Norse gods said they’d get rid of frost giants. nnI don’t see many frost giants around.

@Dani_Feld

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

@ZipperMouth_

I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.

@SwedishCanary

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”