On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with ‘unsubscribe’
*writes kid’s name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*
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I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
God: you’re a zebra.
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Tattooes turn an average man into a man to look twice at. If i see ink i know he can handle pain….and that works for me, cause I’m a pain.
In my day cartoons made sense. Chipmunks did all the rescue rangering and a rich duck swam in gold coins like they were water
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake