@liv_thatsme

*writes kid’s name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*

You Might Also Like

@MortifiedMama

On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with ‘unsubscribe’

@Smafa

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

@CornOnTheGoblin

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

@Reverend_Scott

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

@dixie_lee_peas

Tattooes turn an average man into a man to look twice at. If i see ink i know he can handle pain….and that works for me, cause I’m a pain.

@NicestHippo

In my day cartoons made sense. Chipmunks did all the rescue rangering and a rich duck swam in gold coins like they were water

@monst1ace

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

@tiemoose

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake