*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
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3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
this isn’t threatening at all