*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
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Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
some things should go without saying
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Lucky old June.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops