@Modern_Psyche

Writing a good suicide note is hard, especially if you don’t know that person’s handwriting.

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@BuckyIsotope

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

@gobmentcheese

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

@theawkwardful

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

@JohnielDan

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

@squirrel74wkgn

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

@impaulmccoy

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.