Writing a good suicide note is hard, especially if you don’t know that person’s handwriting.

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Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh


At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.


My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.


Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.


Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.


My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.