Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
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My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family