Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
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What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back