Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
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5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Interviewer: why do u feel like you’re a good fit for our company?
Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I’m looking to be hired
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks … to the alligators…
All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes