@victorlavalle

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

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@Fred_Delicious

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why do u feel like you’re a good fit for our company?

Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I’m looking to be hired

@ValeeGrrl

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

@internetluke

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

@Darlainky

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

@iGreenMonk

I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks … to the alligators…

All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.

@radtoria

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

@DaddyBeerGuy

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

@Xalqee

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes