Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
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Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
She puts the hot in psychotic
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
#dnd #ttrpg
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries