-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
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gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor