@Havish_AF

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

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@MinaWorldPeace

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

@skullcat

You’re so empty inside….nnn….stupid fridge.

@JoParkerBear

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

@KrunkedRobot

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

@goldengateblond

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

@garrydavenport

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

@noog

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

@ashmensch

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?