Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.