SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
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sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My brain is a bad influence on me
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.