Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
You Might Also Like
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
this has to be peak English
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat