Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
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Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.