Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
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I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?