Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

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I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend.
You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.


what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell


Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.


“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”


My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani


SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??


Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.



THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.


How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.