@TylerLinkin

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

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@BakedElle

I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend.
You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.

@DanMentos

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

@TheToddWilliams

Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.

@phranqueigh

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

@DaddyJew

My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani

@daemonic3

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

@ScottLinnen

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

@dorsalstream

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

@DaddyJew

How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.