Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
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This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
what do you want!!!!!!!!
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico