I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
You Might Also Like
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.