@david8hughes

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

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@aaroncoal

I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.

@robdelaney

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

@noodlegrip

My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

@Flora__Flora

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

@jctwritesstuff

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

@1Happytwit

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

@aka_fatman

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

@3sunzzz

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.