[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
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Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?