This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.