@flashember

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

@Jason_Horton

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

@ShanaRose21

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

@jesseltaylor

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

@rsf788

*at a confessional*

Priest: Oh God, not you again…

Me: Ok, but the book of Numbers –

Priest: We’ve been over this, it’s all –

Me: ITS ALL WORDS
WHAT THE HELL

@djdarrellripley

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

@CountMackula

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

@rolldiggity

Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.

@DrakeGatsby

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

@fro_vo

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something