[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”


When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready


I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.


Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories


*at a confessional*

Priest: Oh God, not you again…

Me: Ok, but the book of Numbers –

Priest: We’ve been over this, it’s all –



Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]


Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB


Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.


It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy


ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something