Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
*at a confessional*
Priest: Oh God, not you again…
Me: Ok, but the book of Numbers –
Priest: We’ve been over this, it’s all –
Me: ITS ALL WORDS
WHAT THE HELL
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something