@flashember

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

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@QwertyJones3

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

@david8hughes

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

@Sam_Alan33

Staying at a hotel tonight which means I get to play everyone’s favorite game: Are you smarter than a new shower?

@KentWGraham

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

@novicefather

Bro. It’s not ladies man, it’s ladies’ man. Chicks dig a dude who can navigate a plural possessive.

@Sassafrantz

Is there an easy way to leave a dance circle or do I have to die here?

@dulcetry

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

@AndyAsAdjective

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

@billwurtz

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

@MatCro

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”