[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Buck naked
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺